Mardi Gras Mambo 10K

It was fun..I mean other than the super crowded start, the inclines, & the wind on the levee, but all that’s a blur now.

Praising God for Holes in the Wall

Acts 9:24-25 tells how Paul escapes an attempt on his life: “Day and night they kept close watch on the city gates in order to kill him. But his followers took him by night and lowered him in a basket through an opening in the wall.” Sometimes the wall is a hard head or a situation, but separation from God is still an attempt on our lives. Praise God for prayer opportunities, especially those at choice moments when we’re willing to accept a word from believers & be lowered to our escape route whose name is JESUS.

After watching a couple clips of speakers at Whitney Houston’s funeral yesterday, I thought about the grevious events that brought me into a house of God before I was reborn in Christ. It is almost too easy to sort those occassions by my own degree of seperation from God. I’m blessed today that this morning’s Bible reading puts my ponderings into a scriptural context. John the Baptist came before the Lord Jesus. His work was to prepare hearts to receive the gift of God. Most anyone knows its difficult to communicate with someone who’s not sorry for anything, who’s full of self-justification & rebellion. Isaiah 40 reads: 

“A voice cries: ‘In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level…And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed’” (3-5).

During hurricane Katrina, I stayed at my parents house. I was somewhat participating in an approved drug rehab plan, & my previous companion was in jail.  The Katrina damage kept me there longer than I expected. When I attended church with them, their preacher asked people to give towards a relief effort. He suggested that especially those who were unable to help much at 9/11 or the terrible tsunami the Christmas before should do whatever they could for the many whose lives were devastated. I had a few pangs of guilt about the selfish life I led. Then, some music was played that particularily touched me, & I couldn’t stop crying the rest of the service. I think the preacher gave an altar call, but I didn’t respond. Today, crying in church is a regular occurance for me, but that’s wasn’t the case when I was further from the Lord.

Six years ago, the only son of the companion mentioned above died. He was 19 or so. I didn’t know him well. When he came to visit dad, an argument over money or pills usually occurred, the inevitable result of addictions within a family. A new guy was still in my life, but I attended the funeral for the dad’s sake. Months behind on a number of bills, including my house note, I begged & borrowed to get something to help me through the service which was packed with more people than I probably even knew after 30 years in Baton Rouge. I was devastated at moments for the boy’s parents, particularly mom who tearfully thanked me for coming, but mostly I was uncomfortable. I have to assume some prayers were said & a message was given, but I was away from God in various ways, unrepentant, & couldn’t recieve. I’d felt closer to God when I saw Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat a couple years before. I rode to Atlanta with my dad & the dogs to visit my sister & her dogs; I was drug free for the week, & no one else was living in my house at the time.

Just a few weeks after the boy’s service, my cousin’s teenage daughter passed. Praise God, a beautiful & gifted younger sister was given to them some years before. I tried to imagine the sadness they endured. I wished I could offer consoling words or see grief depart for a while, but again, I could not experience the presence of God.  Although my cousins live up north, it was Mardi Gras in LA, & 5 months pregnant, I’d  managed to find some mischief the day before. During the service, the preacher talked about how my cousin’s daughter had sought the Lord in recent months, giving her life to Jesus. Although it sounded good, away from God, the miracle of that news was lost on me. Eternity was not a consideration for me before I was reborn in Christ.

Recently I saw on twitter or facebook remarks concerning a popular singer’s words about demons. The response was more or less: listen to your songs. Once in a while, I overhear conversations that might suggest people who aren’t Holy Spirit filled Christians outright ignore a truth that’s plain to them. I am at times guilty of this behavior. How forgetful can I be?

Matthew 3:5 says of John the Baptist’s call:  Then the people…were going out to him…& they were baptized by him…confessing their sins. Hearing the call for repentance is a miracle in itself. John the Baptist was no ordinary man. An angel told of his coming. His doubting dad couldn’t speak until he was born. Jesus said he was the greatest on earth.  Praise God for all who lead us to a moment of repentance. Tangled in sin, I rarely sensed God’s presence enough to be remorseful. I eventually called to Him in anguish. I still struggled with the drugs, but I was preparing my home for a new housemate who thanked God for her sobriety & did her best to live God’s way.  The prayers of believers & the grace of God led me to a straighter path where I too could eventually recieve the gift of God.  You hid your face; I was dismayed. To you, O Lord, I cried…Hear, O Lord, & be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper” (Psalm 30:7-10).

After my deliverance, when my child was just a few months old, I experienced a window of stability. Many who struggle against lifestyles of sin go through windows of stability. Luke 11:24-26 speaks of such times: the unclean spirit leaves, returns to find the house in order, & brings 7 other more evil spirits. Praise God, at this time I was strengthened. I attended a church service where I was led in a prayer of confession & acceptance of Christ as my Savior. Although I didn’t leave my seat or give the prayer much thought afterwards, I know beyond a doubt a change was initiated. Within a month or so, a wrong door was closed. Certainly it was not my last struggle against sinful lifestyles, but preparation for the way of the Lord was underway: “the uneven ground shall become level, & the rough places a plain” (Isaiah 40:4). God is good! He is good!

 “On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, ‘Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.’ By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified” (John 7:37-39).

Jesus: Somebody Who Loves Me

You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. (1 Cor 6:18-20).
Helen and I added the 3lb baby blue weigghts to our small collection yesterday. I enjoy waving these around to quickly boost my heart rate, usually while on my stationary bike or mini-trampoline. I love cardio exercise. Other than phases of bike riding, slow jogging, & fast walking, I lost touch with that interest for 16 years or so as a heavy smoker. The store’s selection included some cute & compact 15lb steel weight balls with handles. This morning, my depression testimonies stir up images of those weight balls attached to a person. It’s an accurate picture of depression for me: simply put, weighted down. The depressed person is not free to let go on their own; the best they can do is carry on as much as possible. Often, a depressed person will ignore the weight with a “there’s nothing I can do about it anyway” attitude. The unencumbered weight takes as much strength, focus, & energy as it can. The weight distracts from God’s glory; while many people are joyful despite heavy burdens, the weight of depression sucks up hope like a black hole.

Various influences offer to hold the weight, to give some relief without removing it. Now a reborn Christian, I am sometimes overly sensitive concerning temptations of the world. All believers face temptation, but because the doors to sin I’ve opened, temptation often smells to me like condemnation. I’ve only begun to learn to quickly lean on the love of Christ that washes me clean. For a while, I tried to pin every “temptation” to an event from my past &became highly defensive about “undeserved” temptations. When I felt accused of an interest in porn, I was enraged. Not because porn is worse than anything I’ve done, but it’s been a source of argument in past relationships. Once, i locked myself in my room with my dogs while a boyfriend smoked & watched a porn flick in my living room. My rage ended, probably after humbly seeking God’s mercy, when I recalled a movie I’d watched in my early twenties. It was a late night HBO movie, & the beginning had an innocent enough start. The girl was in school & seemed a little lonely & depressed. I was in school, a little lonely & depressed. Unfortunately, i did not have wisdom to change channels & never watch it again after realizing the nature of its content. I couldn ‘t sleep, & the weight was momentarily lightened.

Recently, while reading about a popular singer of today, i recalled another spirit that beckoned me during that same time period, my last year in school. I thought i’d lost my mind to the point where i wondered if i’d ever been sane. Worse, i lacked confidence that i could lead a functional life. What road was going to take me there? Something akin to an anti-Christ spirit kept suggesting that none of that mattered, I could rise above, but safe in my parents’ home, maybe I didnt pursue that as much as I might have had I been living alone. I talked with my folks daily & enjoyed my evening walks with Duffy the dog.

In the midst of my drug & alcohol issues, I tangoed with a spirit of homosexuality, also. I didn’t go there intentionally, & by God’s grace, I did not pursue that path, but it’s odd to me now how similar the situations were to these other events: an opened door. After my deliverance from drugs, before I returned to the church, boredom & frustration with single mom life stirred up some rebellion in me. I dwelled on a passing thought about flirtatious behavior between women. Shortly after, a guy who interested me at the time said that type of thing was a turn-off. I slammed that door as hard as I could. What is so amazing about this testimony, is that I would have never had that conversation with the guy had I pursued an alternate guy interest, & the alternate would have likely encouraged that spirit.

After my deliverance, i diistanced myself from God’s goodness with other wrong choices. For several weeks, I moped around & drank too much wine. Once, in despair that I’d overcome drug addiction only to find depression elsewhere, I mockingly held my fingers to my lips as though I were smoking. I practically felt as though I were, but I was delivered & despite several repeats, I never smoked again. Instead, as the weather warmed slightly, I started exercising, a lot. I registered for a local 5K race. Two days before, I brushed up to what might have been an opportunity for sin to ruin me again. I didn’t want anything to interfere with my run, though, so I did not pursue the wrong choice. I ran the 5k in 24:10 or so. My boss, who may have thought I was nuts, taking vacation time to run at lunch, shook his head the following Monday & said having to run an 8 minute mile was a burden for him in the army. Remembering that brings tears to my eyes over God’s goodness. I’d been nicotine free for about 10 months.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete (John 15:9-11).

This Way Please

 
God, who has called you into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. (1 Cor 1:9).

I’ve thought recently that I should offer some testimony on depression. I’ve written lots about my addict history, but describing an incident involving choices & consequences is not mentally difficult even if it is accompanied by some anxiety. I don’t know just where to start with the stupor of dysfunctional depression. I don’t mean “dysfunctional” in the sitcom sense, but not-functioning where pretty much any activity is a burden that interrupts one’s primary occupation of anxious thought or sitting still in a seemingly comatosed way, not for a period of meditation or during a difficult time but for months & years on end.   In my 20′s, when my school performance dropped, I placed my hope in writing a novel that would clear me of all failures & embarrasing memories. I wrote some & spent much time illustrating the cover entitled “This Way to the Promised Land”.  I wanted it to have a Biblical theme, but I didn’t read the Bible so I didn’t get that it should have been “Promise Land.” I think I invested in some books about Biblical persons to assist me in my personal plan for salvation through fame. That spirit of depression was slowly lifted from me my last year at LSU while I was living with my parents. After barely graduating, I house sat for my Grandmother in Pensacola for a few weeks not doing much of anything. I felt like a loser, but I think the period of inactivity, avoiding sin & consequence, opened the door for me to go teach in Honduras. Or it was God’s mercy alone but avoiding sin & consequence is still good. 

I’m moved to address this depressing topic because I later made horrible choices to avoid depression: unholy relationships & drugs. The one time I OD’d, I came to screaming as loud as I could until I was finally able to open my eyes. The guy who coached me out of my state said,  ”oh, that happens all the time,” but my melo drama mind wonders if the Lord delivered me from the gates of hell because I was a few weeks pregnant.  All that & other shame I chose to avoid the lifelessness of depression. The lie of addiction, my selected path, might have brought me to a place of eternal suffering instead of temporary grief. Paul says in 1 Cor 1, “I thank God because in Christ you have been made rich in every way, in all your speaking and in all your knowledge.” Today, I know I am rich through faith in Christ Jesus. I sense His wonderful presence in my speaking & in my knowledge, though not always. Psalm 1:1-2 reads, Happy are those who do not listen to the wicked, who don’t go where sinners go…They love the Lord’s teachings, & they think about those teachings day and night.  Listening may mean not rebuking quickly enough; wickedness exists whether or not our hearts lean toward it at any given moment. The Lord’s teachings are a handrail of grace.

I pray now the Lord will show me how to use my experience with depression to help others find the truth and love of Christ Jesus. He gives us entry into heaven. For believers who suffer from depression, I pray for words of encouragement to remind them their plight is temporary & renew their strength to believe in God alone for their rescue.

In the beginning there was the Word. The Word was with God, & the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. All things were made by Him, & nothing was made without him. In Him there was life, & that life was the light of all people. The Light shines in the darkness, & the darkness has not overpowered it (John 1:1-5).