Jesus: Somebody Who Loves Me

You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. (1 Cor 6:18-20).
Helen and I added the 3lb baby blue weigghts to our small collection yesterday. I enjoy waving these around to quickly boost my heart rate, usually while on my stationary bike or mini-trampoline. I love cardio exercise. Other than phases of bike riding, slow jogging, & fast walking, I lost touch with that interest for 16 years or so as a heavy smoker. The store’s selection included some cute & compact 15lb steel weight balls with handles. This morning, my depression testimonies stir up images of those weight balls attached to a person. It’s an accurate picture of depression for me: simply put, weighted down. The depressed person is not free to let go on their own; the best they can do is carry on as much as possible. Often, a depressed person will ignore the weight with a “there’s nothing I can do about it anyway” attitude. The unencumbered weight takes as much strength, focus, & energy as it can. The weight distracts from God’s glory; while many people are joyful despite heavy burdens, the weight of depression sucks up hope like a black hole.

Various influences offer to hold the weight, to give some relief without removing it. Now a reborn Christian, I am sometimes overly sensitive concerning temptations of the world. All believers face temptation, but because the doors to sin I’ve opened, temptation often smells to me like condemnation. I’ve only begun to learn to quickly lean on the love of Christ that washes me clean. For a while, I tried to pin every “temptation” to an event from my past &became highly defensive about “undeserved” temptations. When I felt accused of an interest in porn, I was enraged. Not because porn is worse than anything I’ve done, but it’s been a source of argument in past relationships. Once, i locked myself in my room with my dogs while a boyfriend smoked & watched a porn flick in my living room. My rage ended, probably after humbly seeking God’s mercy, when I recalled a movie I’d watched in my early twenties. It was a late night HBO movie, & the beginning had an innocent enough start. The girl was in school & seemed a little lonely & depressed. I was in school, a little lonely & depressed. Unfortunately, i did not have wisdom to change channels & never watch it again after realizing the nature of its content. I couldn ‘t sleep, & the weight was momentarily lightened.

Recently, while reading about a popular singer of today, i recalled another spirit that beckoned me during that same time period, my last year in school. I thought i’d lost my mind to the point where i wondered if i’d ever been sane. Worse, i lacked confidence that i could lead a functional life. What road was going to take me there? Something akin to an anti-Christ spirit kept suggesting that none of that mattered, I could rise above, but safe in my parents’ home, maybe I didnt pursue that as much as I might have had I been living alone. I talked with my folks daily & enjoyed my evening walks with Duffy the dog.

In the midst of my drug & alcohol issues, I tangoed with a spirit of homosexuality, also. I didn’t go there intentionally, & by God’s grace, I did not pursue that path, but it’s odd to me now how similar the situations were to these other events: an opened door. After my deliverance from drugs, before I returned to the church, boredom & frustration with single mom life stirred up some rebellion in me. I dwelled on a passing thought about flirtatious behavior between women. Shortly after, a guy who interested me at the time said that type of thing was a turn-off. I slammed that door as hard as I could. What is so amazing about this testimony, is that I would have never had that conversation with the guy had I pursued an alternate guy interest, & the alternate would have likely encouraged that spirit.

After my deliverance, i diistanced myself from God’s goodness with other wrong choices. For several weeks, I moped around & drank too much wine. Once, in despair that I’d overcome drug addiction only to find depression elsewhere, I mockingly held my fingers to my lips as though I were smoking. I practically felt as though I were, but I was delivered & despite several repeats, I never smoked again. Instead, as the weather warmed slightly, I started exercising, a lot. I registered for a local 5K race. Two days before, I brushed up to what might have been an opportunity for sin to ruin me again. I didn’t want anything to interfere with my run, though, so I did not pursue the wrong choice. I ran the 5k in 24:10 or so. My boss, who may have thought I was nuts, taking vacation time to run at lunch, shook his head the following Monday & said having to run an 8 minute mile was a burden for him in the army. Remembering that brings tears to my eyes over God’s goodness. I’d been nicotine free for about 10 months.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete (John 15:9-11).