Jesus: Somebody Who Loves Me

You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. (1 Cor 6:18-20).
Helen and I added the 3lb baby blue weigghts to our small collection yesterday. I enjoy waving these around to quickly boost my heart rate, usually while on my stationary bike or mini-trampoline. I love cardio exercise. Other than phases of bike riding, slow jogging, & fast walking, I lost touch with that interest for 16 years or so as a heavy smoker. The store’s selection included some cute & compact 15lb steel weight balls with handles. This morning, my depression testimonies stir up images of those weight balls attached to a person. It’s an accurate picture of depression for me: simply put, weighted down. The depressed person is not free to let go on their own; the best they can do is carry on as much as possible. Often, a depressed person will ignore the weight with a “there’s nothing I can do about it anyway” attitude. The unencumbered weight takes as much strength, focus, & energy as it can. The weight distracts from God’s glory; while many people are joyful despite heavy burdens, the weight of depression sucks up hope like a black hole.

Various influences offer to hold the weight, to give some relief without removing it. Now a reborn Christian, I am sometimes overly sensitive concerning temptations of the world. All believers face temptation, but because the doors to sin I’ve opened, temptation often smells to me like condemnation. I’ve only begun to learn to quickly lean on the love of Christ that washes me clean. For a while, I tried to pin every “temptation” to an event from my past &became highly defensive about “undeserved” temptations. When I felt accused of an interest in porn, I was enraged. Not because porn is worse than anything I’ve done, but it’s been a source of argument in past relationships. Once, i locked myself in my room with my dogs while a boyfriend smoked & watched a porn flick in my living room. My rage ended, probably after humbly seeking God’s mercy, when I recalled a movie I’d watched in my early twenties. It was a late night HBO movie, & the beginning had an innocent enough start. The girl was in school & seemed a little lonely & depressed. I was in school, a little lonely & depressed. Unfortunately, i did not have wisdom to change channels & never watch it again after realizing the nature of its content. I couldn ‘t sleep, & the weight was momentarily lightened.

Recently, while reading about a popular singer of today, i recalled another spirit that beckoned me during that same time period, my last year in school. I thought i’d lost my mind to the point where i wondered if i’d ever been sane. Worse, i lacked confidence that i could lead a functional life. What road was going to take me there? Something akin to an anti-Christ spirit kept suggesting that none of that mattered, I could rise above, but safe in my parents’ home, maybe I didnt pursue that as much as I might have had I been living alone. I talked with my folks daily & enjoyed my evening walks with Duffy the dog.

In the midst of my drug & alcohol issues, I tangoed with a spirit of homosexuality, also. I didn’t go there intentionally, & by God’s grace, I did not pursue that path, but it’s odd to me now how similar the situations were to these other events: an opened door. After my deliverance from drugs, before I returned to the church, boredom & frustration with single mom life stirred up some rebellion in me. I dwelled on a passing thought about flirtatious behavior between women. Shortly after, a guy who interested me at the time said that type of thing was a turn-off. I slammed that door as hard as I could. What is so amazing about this testimony, is that I would have never had that conversation with the guy had I pursued an alternate guy interest, & the alternate would have likely encouraged that spirit.

After my deliverance, i diistanced myself from God’s goodness with other wrong choices. For several weeks, I moped around & drank too much wine. Once, in despair that I’d overcome drug addiction only to find depression elsewhere, I mockingly held my fingers to my lips as though I were smoking. I practically felt as though I were, but I was delivered & despite several repeats, I never smoked again. Instead, as the weather warmed slightly, I started exercising, a lot. I registered for a local 5K race. Two days before, I brushed up to what might have been an opportunity for sin to ruin me again. I didn’t want anything to interfere with my run, though, so I did not pursue the wrong choice. I ran the 5k in 24:10 or so. My boss, who may have thought I was nuts, taking vacation time to run at lunch, shook his head the following Monday & said having to run an 8 minute mile was a burden for him in the army. Remembering that brings tears to my eyes over God’s goodness. I’d been nicotine free for about 10 months.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete (John 15:9-11).

This Way Please

 
God, who has called you into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. (1 Cor 1:9).

I’ve thought recently that I should offer some testimony on depression. I’ve written lots about my addict history, but describing an incident involving choices & consequences is not mentally difficult even if it is accompanied by some anxiety. I don’t know just where to start with the stupor of dysfunctional depression. I don’t mean “dysfunctional” in the sitcom sense, but not-functioning where pretty much any activity is a burden that interrupts one’s primary occupation of anxious thought or sitting still in a seemingly comatosed way, not for a period of meditation or during a difficult time but for months & years on end.   In my 20′s, when my school performance dropped, I placed my hope in writing a novel that would clear me of all failures & embarrasing memories. I wrote some & spent much time illustrating the cover entitled “This Way to the Promised Land”.  I wanted it to have a Biblical theme, but I didn’t read the Bible so I didn’t get that it should have been “Promise Land.” I think I invested in some books about Biblical persons to assist me in my personal plan for salvation through fame. That spirit of depression was slowly lifted from me my last year at LSU while I was living with my parents. After barely graduating, I house sat for my Grandmother in Pensacola for a few weeks not doing much of anything. I felt like a loser, but I think the period of inactivity, avoiding sin & consequence, opened the door for me to go teach in Honduras. Or it was God’s mercy alone but avoiding sin & consequence is still good. 

I’m moved to address this depressing topic because I later made horrible choices to avoid depression: unholy relationships & drugs. The one time I OD’d, I came to screaming as loud as I could until I was finally able to open my eyes. The guy who coached me out of my state said,  ”oh, that happens all the time,” but my melo drama mind wonders if the Lord delivered me from the gates of hell because I was a few weeks pregnant.  All that & other shame I chose to avoid the lifelessness of depression. The lie of addiction, my selected path, might have brought me to a place of eternal suffering instead of temporary grief. Paul says in 1 Cor 1, “I thank God because in Christ you have been made rich in every way, in all your speaking and in all your knowledge.” Today, I know I am rich through faith in Christ Jesus. I sense His wonderful presence in my speaking & in my knowledge, though not always. Psalm 1:1-2 reads, Happy are those who do not listen to the wicked, who don’t go where sinners go…They love the Lord’s teachings, & they think about those teachings day and night.  Listening may mean not rebuking quickly enough; wickedness exists whether or not our hearts lean toward it at any given moment. The Lord’s teachings are a handrail of grace.

I pray now the Lord will show me how to use my experience with depression to help others find the truth and love of Christ Jesus. He gives us entry into heaven. For believers who suffer from depression, I pray for words of encouragement to remind them their plight is temporary & renew their strength to believe in God alone for their rescue.

In the beginning there was the Word. The Word was with God, & the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. All things were made by Him, & nothing was made without him. In Him there was life, & that life was the light of all people. The Light shines in the darkness, & the darkness has not overpowered it (John 1:1-5).

The Jesus Basket

Anyone who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. (John 10:1-2)

Years ago, while struggling in a substitute teaching job, I saw a counselor who told me I had all my eggs in one basket. I didn’t disagree, but today I see the real problem was that I only had one basket, and it was the wrong one. I’m not criticizing the counselor; just yesterday one of my twitter pastors said, “I will not always be right, but I will always be real.” Reading John 10 on the sheep and the gate reminds me of that cheesy basket analogy in many ways.

Theives and robbers steal. At 26 or so, I knew my attention was usually fixed in one direction, but all I could seem to do then was shift it from one thing to another. I only had one basket – not because that’s all God gave me at birth, but mistakes and circumstances put me in that mindframe. Thieves and robbers want us isolated and helpless, not enabled in “a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven” (Deu 10:11). Jesus says: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10). Activities that defy God by their very nature or render us useless as His servants steal from God’s design and destroy our potential.

Jesus continues, “I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Moses describes the promised land as “a land for which the LORD your God cares; the eyes of the LORD your God are always on it” (Deu 11:12). We too are an investment through Jesus’ death on the cross. John 10 has several scriptures that I onced pointed to thinking the Bible was just full of symbolic stories: “I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture” (John 10:9). Today I know our God did not create us to be fixated and stuck. Jesus is the Word, found in the Holy Bible. Establishing His Word in my mind and in my heart allows me to find again & use the gifts He gave me. “They will come in and go out” is not to say we are welcome to live as heathens two days a week. Jesus tells an invalid and a woman accused of adultery: “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you” (John 5:14). “Go now and leave your life of sin” (John 8:11). Jesus’ sheep are for His glory. He’s given us talents, and we are to use them. He says to his faithful, “Well done, my good servant!” (Luke 19:17)

Jesus says of the hired hand: “when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep” (John 10:12-13). Some baskets don’t hold up. They get holes or the handles break. Putting hope in anything circumstance dependent often brings heartache and trouble. My job of some 12 years or so could change quite a bit depending on the results of a project I’m working on. Denial, or what I think of as being overly optimistic, has often characterized my choices. As I work lately, my nerves rattle, but I lose no sleep over the outcome of my analysis. At one time, I wouldn’t have slept because I’d be at home working on the project, searching for a way for the impossible to be a reality. Rattled nerves aside, I’m so grateful today, I know God is in control, and my peace is in His plan.

Unlike theives and circumstances, Jesus offers a guarantee: Do not believe me unless I do the works of my Father. But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works” (John 10:37-38). I have so much to be thankful for in my personal life. If a careful and honest assesment were done, it would be impossible to recommend any solution apart from Christ Jesus. Instead of satisfaction from circumstances, depression, or substance abuse, I have a joy filled life with my family, love for many things that remind me of God’s amazing work, and peace knowing my testimony can be used to offer hope. After Jesus confirms He is Savior by pointing to God’s miracles, John 10 reads that Jesus returns to where John the Baptist spent his early days. “There he stayed, and many people came to him. They said, ‘…all that John said about this man was true.’ And in that place many believed in Jesus” (John 10:40). Lord, I thank you for forgiveness of sin. I praise you for leading me away from trouble and heartache. I pray my testimony is received by any who’ve witnessed or experienced failure by putting their eggs in the wrong basket. I am blessed by and grateful for revelation that your Word is not a cheesy analogy or symbolic rhetoric. Christ Jesus laid down His life for me, and He is the gate. With my mouth I greatly extol you for you stand at the right hand of the needy (Psalm 109).

“I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd” (John 10:16).

Babies and Births

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit (John 3:5-6).

Jesus’ teaching on being born again of the Spirit reminds me of my confirmation in our church as a teenager. I was silly & hormonal with little or no understanding of spiritual things, but following the classes, I formally accepted Christ as Savior. I believe that change, initiated by motherly encouragement, has been the source of much grace in many moments of decision when my selfish nature was defeated. Jesus says of His testimony: “Whoever has accepted it has certified that God is truthful” (John 3:33). Declaring truth brings stability; in a planning session, known truths are noted so the discussion can result in a workable solution. Jesus’ Word in John 3 also reminds me of my pregnancy. I learned I was pregnant in a detox facility. It was a blessed moment in time to receive that news and start forming a decision about what to do. The craziness that led me there weakened resolve to continue my lifestyle, but the drudgery of moving forward had not struck. Practical circumstances in my life were the main reasons I gave when asked if I was sure I wanted to have the child: I had a job with leave benefits, family support, and love for my then boyfriend. To be sure, when I returned from rehab, a quick return to my addict behavior threatened my job & family support, and the boyfriend’s involvement seemed less likely and desirable. Fortunately, with the chaos, if I’d considered ending the pregnancy, I probably couldn’t have organized it before it was too late in Helen’s term to be easily done. Psalm 102 reads: “The LORD looked down..from heaven He viewed the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners and release those condemned to death” (v19-20).

The psalmist who proclaims God’s authority and mercy writes: “Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the LORD” (Psalm 102:18). What’s so amazing about God’s love is how it always existed. He sees suffering and creates a path for us to choose our way back to Him. My relationship with the boyfriend was shallow and troubled, but that adolescent affection likely helped me make the right decision while I was spiritually immature. Regarding leave benefits, being fired from a long held restaurant job many years ago broke me of prideful thinking that I was immune to such disciplinary action. Praise the Lord for leading me through circumstances to a solution that is not just workable but giving of abundant life. God sent His Son to release those condemned to death so that a people not yet created may praise the Lord. Jesus says: “The one who comes from above is above all; the one who is from the earth belongs to the earth, and speaks as one from the earth” (John 3:31). Praising the Lord is not like praising people to win friends or gain influence. A recent message at my church emphasized that God is already above all; we do not elevate Him with our praise but His Spirit within us. Praising the Lord brings what is good in us to the surface and cleanses our spirit.

Jesus says, “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit” (John 3:8). Lord, thank-you for sending your Son to live and die among us so we can receive from the Holy Spirit of His who lives within us. You know the before and after. You build bridges for us to escape stubborness and rebellion. You who laid the foundations of the earth respond to the prayer of the destitute and will not despise our plea (Psalm 102). Thank-you for forgiveness when we believe Jesus is your Son sent to redeem us. I praise you Lord, that today I am one of your children living in your presence, and your descendants will be established before you (Psalm 102:28). I pray all who need your forgiveness hear your blessed invitation and call on your name.

Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son (John 3:18).

Saved, By The Blood of the Lamb & the Word of My Testimony

“They will never again be hungry or thirsty; they will never be scorched by the heat of the sun.For the Lamb on the throne will be their Shepherd. He will lead them to springs of life-giving water. And God will wipe every tear from their eyes” (Rev 8:16-17).

My nandina replacement project got a fresh wind this week-end with some deep pink and white vinca aligning the row of begonias I’d put in a couple weeks ago. I was especially pleased by the vinca’s willingness to be planted after someone from my drug addict past blew back out of my life after rejecting my advice on rehab and recovery options. Knowing, as well as I can know, the Lord was not moving me to offer further assistance for his own plans, I had to step aside, something I haven’t done well in the past. I was glad for my church’s message this week-end on letting God fight for us as we faithfully await His response & will include scriptures from that word. I ask the Lord for mercy if the actions I took were not part of His plan and pray for discernment to know what I can do and acceptance of what I can’t. Since I’ve been saved, I’ve revisited many poor decisions in different ways. Once years ago, my housemate at the time had his car impounded after a minor fender bender. I knew the costs for getting the car out of impoundment would increase with time, and he appeared to be doing nothing about it. He was angry because I didn’t get his glasses fixed after my dog supposedly broke them causing the catastrophe; I’d refused, doubting my dog’s guilt and scornful that he was home napping while i was at work. He didn’t ask for my help with the car, but I wanted him to have his car if he was living at my house. So after a week or so, I insisted on resolving the situation. In one day, I paid (on credit) the DMV fines, the impoundment fines, the glass repair costs, and a car payment since I learned he was way behind on his note. It is written, “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10). The next month he moved out over some other fight. Six months later I fronted the money to bail someone I’d known for a few weeks out of jail. The following year, my heart bled for someone with a staph infection on their leg with good stories and pill connections. Being away from the Lord, I “helped” people out of control-freak, prideful, and / or selfish motivations. The mind can easily confuse that with good will. Whatever initiates the action, not becoming bitter over the results of our choices, along with the grace of God, might help us grasp onto whatever joy or peace keeps us in touch with those who love the Lord, who offer their prayers for us. Certainly, a spirit of resentment erupts from me at times, but I’m so thankful today for the many times I’ve been bailed out of one thing or another. I praise God for the good people He’s put in my life again and again. What the Lord has done for me through the love and generosity of friends, family, and acquaintances far outweighs the expense of my foolishness.

When I was in Honduras after college, I busied myself the first year primarily by drawing phonics and mathematics worksheets for my firstgraders, watching mindless TV shows, eating, and riding my bike. I got to know the wonderful family whose house I stayed in for awhile, but other than that, I mostly socialized with other expatriates. I enjoyed talking to other foreigners and English speaking or very patient locals, but a lot of them were big drinkers, and I didn’t like the relaxing effect of alcohol. One or two drinks would perk me up, but after that, drowsiness set in and sent me home. Also, as I told someone whose large brown eyes and stories frequently entertained me, I was only good for one outing a week-end. I proved it eventually when I agreed to meet him somewhere on a Saturday night, and we both had a miserable time for while until I left. I knew the other teachers supplemented their drinking with drugs, but I didn’t want to jeaprodize my finishing the school year with a potential addiction. At the end of the school year, I’d made plans to go home for a few weeks and return for a second term. First though, I wanted to find out what kept my expatriate teacher peers so busy most of the time when I was often bored, searching for ways to fill the hours between the frustrating school days. One of the teachers, a guy from my homestate about my age warned me more or less that substance abuse was usually a one way trip. I thought the risk was acceptable since I didn’t care for the bar scene that much before. Besides, how much trouble could I get into in six weeks?

During my vacation in the States, it seemed to me only a sum of spent money and maybe one evening I couldn’t remember much of after trying yet another something new. I honestly believed I could return and enjoy a second year at the school. The first year was so difficult not having any teaching experience and very little experience with young children. By mid spring, I’d learned a lot from the other elementary teachers and teachers assistants, so over the last couple of months, my love for the job grew tremendously. Unfortunately when I returned to work, i could not shut the habit forming drug door I’d opened. Not only did I not have a good relationship with the Lord then, but after a couple weeks of subjecting my mind to minimal but near daily abuse, my thinking was wrecked. I agreed to split travel expenses for a 3 day week-end trip with another teacher and a friend of his, ideally to get away from myself. A couple people suggested this might not be wise, but I’d traveled with that teacher & a different friend before, so I rejected their advice.

We left on a late night Friday bus with plans to stay at a mountain resort for two nights and return on Monday. Immediately, i was plagued with anxiety (fear of a very weird kind) which i attributed to my activities since my return, and in the morning sunshine at our scenic destination, everything looked fresh and new. When we went to another location to dine, though, the anxiety returned. I left the table, checked into the motel on my own, and told my companions I would not be returning with them to the other place. They were not pleased since I’d agreed to split expenses with them for the 3 days. The 2nd hotel was mostly one tall building, but when i looked for my room, i learned it was in a smaller building a football field away or so. There were only a few rooms in this building on the deserted beach; each room had a lot of thin glass windows, and the door seemed like something i could kick in with little difficulty. I asked if there were a room available in the main building, but there was not; it was a holiday weekend, and they were booked. I spend the night mostly in the lobby alongside a well attended party, but the security guard walked me back to the other building two or three times where i stood for a few minutes before returning to the lobby. In the morning, I slept for a few hours and took a cab to the other hotel to find my companions, possibly because I’d missed the bus back home or didn’t know how to find it. Before I knew it, it was dark, and sitting at the bar, I learned there were no rooms available. By then, I had no cash, only a credit card which is useless for cabs, and I was up in the mountains, not even in the town where I could even investigate other options. Plus, I was strung out and exhausted. I was allowed to use the bar phone, and praise Jesus, the phone call to Mom went through. After she spoke to the hotel owner for a short time, the matron offered me her son’s old room in the basement of her house. I was so grateful for the bed, and, since I barely slept, even more grateful when the sun rose the next day. Somehow, I got on a bus and returned to where I was living. The next day, I flew back to the States for good.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil” (1 Thess 5:16-22).

To return that day, I had to catch a flight to a larger city to make my connecting flight. I had a ridiculously huge suitcase and wondered how I would get it through the airport and onto the right plane. When I arrived at the airport in my town, a friend of my host family’s met me at the airport, took my suitcase, offered me breakfast, and got me on the right plane. I don’t think i even paid for the flight to San Pedro Sula with the money lent to me by another expatriate teacher, a retired nurse from Canada with her own problems who had no money to spare. Reading the stories of sorrow and suffering in last week’s local news, it occured to me how blessed I was to spend a morning sitting in court with my old peer last Wednesday. I couldn’t say for certain now what our prior friendship was based on, but regardless, many people lose friends and loved ones without an opportunity to pray with them and show how much they care. Even if I hardly knew this person, knowing I escaped from the pit we had in common at one time is enough to stir my heart. Other than regret for possibly not demonstrating enough faith in the Lord, I’m thankful I was able to extend a hand in a small way, rejected or not. Without saying anything about the appropriateness of tough love, a person in need of rescue has to call out for help, but how will they know to call if they are never helped.

To further demonstrate how the Lord walks us through our prior mistakes, I stopped hearing from the old friend shortly after the morning in court. My attention to this person aggravated my family and likely others in my life, so I knew i needed to let it go, but for some reason, this was difficult. (See story at top.) Coincidentally, I saw my thyroid doctor the following Monday. She mentioned some other test from my bloodwork was slightly off; I asked her what the options were. She suggested something, and thinking the proposed solution could minimize the aggravation factor I was struggling against, I said, “I’ll try it.” After being sick for two days from the side affects, it occured to me that I’d failed the Honduras test. I gave the rest to my mother for donation and asked the Lord to forgive me for again, lacking faith in His might. Regarding my friend, I might not know the real story, but as long as I’m studying the Word daily, in prayer and worship and accountable to some authority in my life, I believe a little nausea and a minor rash are the kinds of corrective measures I face for most mistakes. Today, Christ Jesus is my Lord and Savior, I believe I will avoid the trappings of my mind that could otherwise pull me back into the fire. I believe my walk with His strength in my spirit protects me from investing in the enemy’s work with no achievable good. If I err, I hope to err on the side of love as so many have done for me.

“But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

Beauty for Ashes

“But Abraham said, ‘Child, remember that during your life you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus bad things; but now he is being comforted here, and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you there is a great chasm fixed, so that those who wish to come over from here to you will not be able, and that none may cross over from there to us’” (Luke 16:25-26).

Luke 16 tells of a rich man who delighted himself while ignoring the desperate plight of a poor man outside his gate. Both men die, and while suffering in Hades, the rich men calls out to Abraham for mercy. Jesus says in John 14, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). The cross of Jesus is said to be the narrow way, the bridge by which we access eternity with God. Some years ago, after a few months of falling off the wagon with one former habit, i decided all i needed to do to conquer my addictive ways was to quit smoking. I started taking Zyban, the miracle drug for ending nicotine addiction. I was able to put the cigarettes down pretty easily after the recommended two week intro period, but I couldn’t sleep. I don’t recall whether or not I tried halving the dose or not because the substance abuser in me didn’t mind the side effect. I started drinking just a bit to help me relax. Around the same time, I developed a new fixation on someone in my apartment complex whose departure the following spring saddened me greatly. A few months later, drinking steadily was my favored pastime, & I struggled to hide its effects on me. This phase was similar to where I’d been before, but between the Zyban and the alcohol, I was suddenly awake around 4 AM daily. I started doing calisthenics while watching the morning news shows. I even tried jogging to celebrate my freedom from nicotine addiction, but it was a ridiculous exercise in stumbling around incapable of coherent thought. At quarter to seven or so, after some coffee and a shower, I eagerly awaited the morning news show’s Lifeline segment, a 15 minute message from a local pastor. I appreciated that word so much, I once shocked my sister, who’d suffered because of my lifestyle choices less than a year before, by quoting the pastor to her. Later that year, I had a breakthrough of sorts, and by fall, I was down to smoking and some other form of an antidepressant but off the liquor and living in a relatively stable manner. In December, someone moved back into the apartment complex with his mother having fallen off his own wagon. I’d told my sister, “God gives you these trials to make you stronger” with no idea that every thought I dwelled on and choice I made took me further away from the narrow bridge to life.

The parable of the rich man begins: “There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores” (Luke 16:19-21). Praise God, it is no sin to be blessed, wear nice clothes, and eat well, or many of us would await an eternity in Hades whether or not we consider ourselves rich. Christ Jesus sees the need of afflicted people around him and offers them what He has: deliverance, miraculous healing, revelation of our connection to the Father. Lazarus desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Our Father wants us to be generous with what He gives us; at the very least, we can offer what we don’t need to others. As the rich man exited his gate, selected his merchandise, made purchases, prepared meals, and settled in for the evening to rest, he made choices that plunged him deeper into a life of greed. When we come to a y-intersection and veer in one direction, usually we get further away from the alternate path such that we don’t even consider an alternate destination. The dogs came and licked Lazarus’ sores. What price did my lifestyle carry for my family, co-workers, and would-be friends? The dogs of self-indulgence include time and expense helping me out of one scrape or another, aggravation and heartache that attempts to offer healthier choices were ignored, loss of support and assistance that I might have provided if I were using the gifts I’d received from the Lord.

In Genesis 11, the Lord takes notice of the Tower of Babel built by the people to reach the heavens and responds, “Behold, they are one people, and they have all one language, and…nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and there confuse their language, so that they may not understand one another’s speech” (Genesis 11:6-7). As long as we have breath, praise Jesus, the chasm is like a stronghold; initially, a genuine appreciation for the truth of the gospel as told in a 15 minute daily television ministry segment might effectively dissolve that stronghold, but eventually, as mistakes are repeated, we lose our grasp on that lifeline. When I first started working for the agency I work with today, I was new to all things telecommunications. It was an entry level position with something like a three year training curriculum. It seemed like it took forever for some basic networking concepts to take root in my thinking while I was rigorously trained in circuit order preparation and basic equipment installation. The blessed lady who processed my circuit orders left me five minute voice mail messages concerning many errors, and I made lot of errors. When I made a mistake with an equipment installation or troubleshooting effort, I generally made the phone call to explain the situation and the return visit to resolve the problem. There was a lot of order activity then, so I had many opportunities to progress along the learning curve. The blessing from the Lord this frustrating time offered me came in the form of occasional good decisions to keep me closer to the narrow bridge. Anyone familiar with substance abuser lifestyles knows the decision to go to work every day is a step in the right direction; the memories of my previous work experience in waiting tables, door-to-door canvassing, substitute teaching, car sales, and check collections represented another gift from the Lord: motivation to put forth an effort. What I lacked was acceptance that these gifts were from the Lord, and I was buying into the greed of the flesh and the schemes of the enemy. Empowering the stronghold are the often made choices in my old circle to engage in unholy relationships, sample others’ prescription medications, consume drugs in a manner not intended, and lie on Dr’s reports – choices which strengthen the power building the Tower of Babel often leading to more criminal activity previously avoided. The weighty accumulation of bad decisions might be broken up by a right choice such as going to work, experiencing a moment of repentance in a house of God, even a spontaneous act of mercy towards a Lazarus at our gate.

Paul writes, “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds” (2 Cor 10:4). In Genesis 11, with divine intervention, those who combined forces to reach the heavens are disbanded: “So the LORD dispersed them from there over the face of all the earth, and they left off building the city” (Genesis 11:8). The saving power of Christ Jesus, the weapon of a faithful Holy Spirit filled believer, offers deliverance and eternal salvation. At any moment in time, though, enemies of the flesh and spirit might be disarmed by effectively breaking up a stronghold with truth, righteousness, and grace. While in the murky waters of sin, lost souls often choose what threatens their life. Only a person in bondage will shoot and snort their way into convulsions and pass out such that scooting backwards a few feet to climb upon a chair is arduous activity…only to repeat the choice another day. These choices might indicate a stronghold has not encountered the saving power of Christ carried by His saints recently enough to allow a good decision to defeat the unholy forces in control. While pregnant and full of attitude, I attended a small neighborhood church periodically. The messages didn’t particularly satisfy my arrogant notion of what preaching should be, but the people welcomed me lovingly despite my obvious singleness and the stench of smoke that accompanied me. I was moved to buy one of their CDs to play in my car. Strongholds were broken down, and by the grace of God, my child was born in healthy and beautiful.

Peter continues, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). While on maternity leave, my restlessness was overtaken somewhat by exhaustion so submission to the spiritual authority in my life increased by default. Of course, eventually I came to a crossroads where it would have been easy to veer back onto an old familiar road (literally). The occasion was after meeting a friend at church: just one afternoon, one time, what difference could that possibly make after all I’d done? Praise Jesus, by then, deliverance kept my path straight.

Jesus says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God” (Isaiah 61:1-2). I thank you Christ Jesus, that you came from heaven to preach the good news of our Father’s awesome love. I celebrate over your perfect holy sacrifice that restores us to Him, our Holy God whose presence alone heals the brokenhearted and comforts those who mourn. Your mercy has freed my heart and released my soul from darkness. You bring “the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (Isaiah 61:3). I repent for supporting the strongholds that reject your authority, claim ownership of your work, and promote the spirits of rebellion and sorrow. I rejoice that your truth rescues me from eternal death, your Word “living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword” (Hebrews 4:12) divides my past from my future and removes my sin as far as the east is from the west. I praise you for the Holy Spirit filled believers whose faith in Christ Jesus disperses the spirit of the enemy forcing tower builders to leave the city. Almighty God, let us “rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated” for the display of your splendor (Isaiah 61:3-4).

“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them” (Matt 18:18-20).

Magicians and Eunuchs

Joshua 19-20

Psalm 126-128

Proverbs 3

Lam 3

Acts 8

Now when Simon saw that the Spirit was given through the laying on of the apostles’ hands, he offered them money, saying, “Give me this power also, so that anyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit. But Peter said to him, “May your silver perish with you, because you thought you could obtain the gift of God with money! (Acts 3:18-20).

Some years ago, a vendor associated with my job held their annual conference in New Orleans. We were told that we could register for the conference if we took one of the free certification exams available to registrants. I had some relevant experience with that vendor by then and was familiar with maybe half the material, so I registered with big plans to study, study, study. As I got started, I found the pill habit I’d been working on for the previous two years or so interferred with my ability to focus. I created calendars of wean-off plans using a weaker version of my drug of choice, intending to be pill free in time to cram for the exam. As the date grew closer, I grew more frantic until two or three weeks before, I decided to just go with the real deal as much as necessary to concentrate for hours. The economy was good in the circle I ran in then, so it was no problem to get an advance. I reasoned to myself, and my lender, that test success might result in a one time bonus to cover the cost. I passed the exam with a good score, but there was no bonus, so my debt and tolerance just reached a new high. Every year, the company holds a big bash of a party the night before the last day where they might give everyone a hat of some kind to wear. I was too exhausted to go, both because the side effect of the drugs wearing off and lack of sleep. My co-worker attended and brought back just the cutest, softest, colorful cloth joker’s hat you’ve ever seen. It sits to this day on her cubicle wall, square in my face when I stand up at my desk. I don’t covet the hat, but now with an enlightened understanding of the Lord’s sense of humor, I find it ironic that it is a joker’s hat. The following year I was allowed to go to the same conference in Las Vegas. I didn’t pass the free certification exam there, but I was many miles away that week when my companion and lender were arrested, quite possibly in response to my parents’ prayers. During the arrest, my lender was instructed to take calls as normal so more people arrived on the scene to be arrested. My companion stayed in jail for the next 3 and a half years. The hat at the Las Vegas bash was a cheap flimsy black and white top hat.

Simon was a magician in Samaria who amazed people with tricks. I like this passage because his reaction to the apostles shows a respite from twisted thinking that suggests hope exists in retraining. Peter tells him, “You have neither part nor lot in this matter, for your heart is not right before God” (Acts 3:21). Simon is kind of an extreme example since most lost souls who find Jesus never amazed people with magic tricks or commanded attention from the least to the greatest with godlike powers. Acts reads that people paid attention to Simon but they believed Philip and were water-baptized. When we come out of the world, our minds are geared to pay attention without believing. Sometimes people don’t discriminate between the two. Many Sunday believers pay attention to the message their preacher offers and pay attention to a little reading of the Word here or there, but believing is when we meditate on an idea, experience the doubt, and reject naysayers opposition to a truth we can’t fully explain. We might pay attention to the Simons, the big talkers and clever conversationalists, but who do we believe? King Solomon wrote, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Simon believed and was water baptized (3:13), but the Holy Spirit still seemed like something that could be purchased to him. There’s a wire crossed in this thinking, and it’s seen in Simon’s humble reaction to Peter’s later rebuke. Before my exam, I knew the pangs of addiction and chose that option over blowing off the test. In my wean-off calendars, I paid attention to my problem, but I didn’t believe it was there.

Peter told Simon, “Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you” (Acts 3:22). Seriously? Can the intent of our hearts really be forgiven? Christ Jesus delivered me from any and all substance abuse, but old ideas etched in our minds aren’t necessarily extinguished when our spirit undergoes a change. The task of guarding our hearts against much of what we esteemed or relied upon for making decisions begins when we accept Christ. Peter said, “For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bond of iniquity” (Acts 3:22). We cannot accept Christ without changing our tool set any more than I could escape the bondage of addiction with the same chains that bound me. Soloman’s words continue, “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:6). In all our ways acknowledge Him: wow! That’s like changing an auto-biography to a biography. Imagine if someone who passed away had a set of memoirs written in the first person, and someone agreed to publish it if it were changed to a work in the 3rd person. We couldn’t just modify the first paragraph or the first chapter and be done. Every paragraph and sentence would have to be examined. Some pronouns would need modification to avoid confusion with the principle character. In some parts, the entire word flow might need editing so the higher truth being conveyed isn’t lost in the he’s and she’s. The Lord will make straight our paths when we acknowledge Him in ALL our ways. Hallelujah, He, the Lord, is merciful and mighty.

In Acts 3, Simon is, by proximity, compared to the Ethiopian eunuch Philip meets while traveling: “So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, “Do you understand what you are reading?” And he said, “How can I, unless someone guides me?” And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him” (Acts 3:30-31). The Eunuch knows what he’s encountered is not something he can purchase. His highest stated desire is for revelation, not the power and glory in laying hands on someone for infilling of the Holy Spirit. After the eunuch received the good news of the gospel, he said, “See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?” (Acts 3:37). “What is the next step for me to have relationship with our Almighty God through Christ Jesus. That is all I want to know.” The eunuch goes off rejoicing as Philip is carried away by the Spirit of the Lord (Acts 3:39). My personal hunch, is that Simon the magician’s spiritual growth path was a rockier climb. At Peter’s rebuke, “Simon answered, ‘Pray for me to the Lord, that nothing of what you have said may come upon me’” (Acts 3:24). “You’re right! I don’t quite get it, but I want to. I could just move my show down the road, but I’ve been exposed to the power of God, so what else can I do but chase it?” My joy in this passage is in Peter’s admonition, repent therefore and pray to the Lord. Proverbs 3 reads, “Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones” (3:7-8). Healing becomes ours more and more as we swap out those old tools for what we can do to honor the Lord. Crossed wires that seem destined to plague our thought processes forever will be repaired or forgiven as we change our “I”s to “He”s, draft after draft. The cross of Jesus exists for humble eunuchs and self-serving magicians. Praise Jesus for your love and obedience to the Father. I thank-you for your blood, sacrificed for my sin. Holy Father, your faithfulness and compassion amaze me. I will not pay attention to magicians. I choose to believe in your magesty and glory. I rejoice in having a new toolset, Lord, one of prayer, worship, and the Living Word to rebuild daily my relationship with you.

Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:1-2).

Angels Smiling

Joshua 14-15

Psalm 120-122

Proverbs 1

Jeremiah 52

Acts 6

And he burned the house of the LORD…And…carried away captive some of…the rest…who were left in the city…And they took away the pots..shovels..snuffers..basins..dishes for incense..vessels of bronze used in the temple service..fire pans..lampstands..and the bowls for drink offerings. What was of gold the captain of the guard took away as gold, and what was of silver, as silver (Jeremiah 52:13-19).

Reading in Jeremiah 52 about the Babylonians carting off the treasures of the Jerusalem temple and burning the city brought to mind a scene in the movie Empire of the Sun. Residents of Japan from Allied nations were living in detention facilities until after the war when they had to hike back to civilization. The movie shows the freed prisoners walking through fields of merchandise removed from their homes: displaced sofas, tables, trunks, lamps, and other ornaments litter the ground, but to many who are starving, its of little interest. The movie centers around a young boy separated from his parents during the chaos of an attack, so coping with abrubt change is a major theme. In today’s readings, Joshua parcels out land to the Israelite tribes, planting the nation in their new homeland as promised by the Lord. The remnant in Jerusalem during Nebuchadnezzar’s rule witness their city’s destruction. The apostles handle business unaware that their brother Stephen will soon become a martyr in their following. The young boy in Empire of the Sun, fascinated with the planes, salutes the Japanese pilots and sings for them as they board their P-51 cadillac of the skies. The song is Suo Gan, A Welsh Lullaby (alternate version). According to Wikipedia, the translation ends as follows:

Sleep child mine, there’s nothing here, While in slumber at my breast
Angels smiling, have no fear, Holy angels guard your rest.

What beautiful words for the Israelites who’ve been driven by slaughter and destruction but are now ready to build their societies. Would they remember 800 years later when they see their temple burnt and their sacred vessels stolen? How well Stephen’s peace in the love of Jesus is described here; the Word reads after he is seized for interrogation, “all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel” (Acts 6:15). When I went to Honduras for a year after college, I bought my ticket, packed, and day dreamed about foolish things, but when I got on the airplane, a huge wave of fear settled on me. Why was I leaving home? What was I thinking? Fortunately it was too late to deboard. I drank too much wine during the trip but managed to get to the right place thanks to the kind person who met me at the airport. The next morning, when I awoke, I was completely at peace. By the mercy of our Lord, angels guarded my rest. I was so blessed by the sun shining in my new temporary home, I wouldn’t have wanted to be anyplace else. Even minor changes in our lives can seem traumatic without knowledge and love of God. Praise Jesus for making a way for me!

David wrote of Jerusalem built as a city, bound firmly together (Psalm 122:3). “Peace be within your walls and security within your towers!” (Psalm 122:7) When we are starting fresh as were the Israelites under Joshua, we need peace and security. In new places, we are often not comfortable with our footing. Excitement even without fear can become stressful after a while. We may be proud of or haunted by what we got through to get here; the Israelite men were separating families, killing, and burning as directed by the Lord. How do we retrain our humility to become proficient in a new way of life? Peace and security within the walls will enable us to examine ourselves closely and gain strength and revelation from the Lord. “For my brothers and companions’ sake I will say, “Peace be within you!” (Psalm 122:8) Holy Spirit, let us not be in a continual battle. Even if our surroundings are burnt down around us or when our sacred vessels carted off, remind us our only need is you. Help us show our love for the Father by being a blessing to our brothers and companions and hoping for their success in your name. Joshua reads “no portion was given to the Levites in the land, but only cities to dwell in, with their pasturelands for their livestock and their substance” (Joshua 14:4). Lord, forgive me when I dwell on my portion more than caring for my livestock, the blessings I have today and anyone you’ve place in my arena to serve. Help me be a leader pleased by the accomplishments of all in your flock. “For the sake of the house of the LORD our God, I will seek your good” (Psalm 122:9). Lord, I desire to be as Stephen proclaiming your holy name to his accusers. Whatever seeks to weaken my faith and spoil my favor, let it become muscle in my devotion to your will. Holy Spirit, let all my activities recognize the Lord’s authority and prioritize the building of your church. Your glory is first, O Lord!

The LORD will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore (Psalm 121:7-8).

Too Long To Tweet: As you lay there, I said, ‘Live!’ And I helped you to thrive like a plant in the field. (Ezekiel 16)

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

Sometimes the Holy Bible is just too personal. In Judges, the Israelites are led by various leaders selected and made strong by the Lord. Moses, his successor Joshua, & thier people are replaced by a generation “who did not acknowledge the Lord or remember the mighty things he had done” (Judges 2:10). How quickly our memories of His wonders fade also when we parcel out our love and attention to everything but Him. During my pregnancy, I was sneaking around to obtain detox pills while my mother stayed with me (babysat) to help me cope with withdrawl symptoms (house arrest). Her presence was a great comfort to me, so guilt over my deception led me to read a book she’d picked up for me, Zondervan’s The Story. The spice and drama of the Old Testament in layman’s form was a quick enjoyable read, but how odd it is to me now that I probably drew no comparisons to my own life. Today’s blog is taken from one day’s devotional reading, and I’ve gone through half a bag of marshmellow bunnies and a bowl of chex mix just thinking about all this. A few weeks after Helen was born, my med source went away (jail: FTP child support). I hadn’t yet confessed all to my mother, but as both a loving parent and a strong praying woman of God with a new grandbaby, she supported me with patience and energy that were hopefully supplemented from above. By the time I returned to work 6 weeks later, I was exhausted and empty, but the problem that fully took charge of my time, my thinking, and every dollar I had (plus an extra $40K or so) was taken from me. Miraculously. With a blank heart, I turned my attention to shopping and celebrity news stories.

“They abandoned the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who had brought them out of Egypt. They went after other gods, worshiping the gods of the people around them. And they angered the Lord.

Of course, the world continued around me, an unpromising stump, both in the natural and in the supernatural. An unexpected turn of events brought me back to a place where I sometimes couldn’t stay at work long enough to do all my self promoting control freak nature suggested I could do. I’d been given an opportunity to serve, but the gratitude generated by my deliverance had passed, & I did not acknowledge the Lord or remember the mighty things he had done. Life without the Holy Spirit is frustrating at best. The Lord provided me with training and promotion, but I could no more fulfill my duties without Him in the lead than I could build a car from a box of pieces even though I drive one every day. Stubbornly I tried with all I could muster not knowing I was still a stump.

This made the Lord burn with anger against Israel, so he handed them over to raiders who stole their possessions. He turned them over to their enemies all around, and they were no longer able to resist them. Every time Israel went out to battle, the Lord fought against them, causing them to be defeated, just as he had warned. And the people were in great distress. Then the Lord raised up judges to rescue the Israelites from their attackers (Judges 2:14-16).

The natural world is just a model of the supernatural; warning signs in the supernatural are always there even though we often miss them just like drivers looking under the passenger car seat for thier phone or favorite CD might miss a warning sign on the road. Such warnings often come from someone the Lord has placed in our lives, and it’s not necessarily our best friend or even our mother (whose advice we often ignore anyway). That’s why when we receive a word that contradicts our plans, pausing for prayerful consideration before driving across wrong bridges is so important. The intellect likes to say “hindsight is 20/20″ but that’s just the enemy’s way of eliminating God from the world He created. The moment of hesitation when we acknowledge our limits, sigh, and say “what now?” is when even a self centered friendless individual might be guided by the Lord’s merciful hand away from the self-reliant roads we choose onto the path He intended for us.

“So the Lord burned with anger against Israel. He said, ‘Because these people have violated my covenant, which I made with their ancestors, and have ignored my commands, I will no longer drive out the nations that Joshua left unconquered when he died. I did this to test Israel—to see whether or not they would follow the ways of the Lord as their ancestors did” (Judges 2:20-22). The Lord tests the blessed. I was delivered from bondages of addiction and blessed with opportunity for rebuilding what was lost, but would I follow His ways or take credit for my good fortune and continue on my own? Watching a baby adventure up a stairwell is a test for a parent and the child. They might want to take their hand away from us, but we know each step they take means more head knocks going down if they are distracted by a dog barking, lose their balance and plummet to the floor. Some testing might be in the form of a neighbor who shares their kindred spirit occasionally but more often aggravates us with antics of one kind or another so we avoid them instead of asking them to mow their lawn or trim the trees whose branches are scraping our rooftop. Whether we respond to such tests in our own devilish way or pray and fast for deliverance might determine whether or not we see the “bridge out” warning sign for the bigger test further down the road.

You used the beautifully embroidered clothes I gave you to dress your idols. Then you used my special oil and my incense to worship them. Imagine it! You set before them as a sacrifice the choice flour, olive oil, and honey I had given you, says the Sovereign Lord (Ezekiel 16:18-19).

Never again will I see a blessed person of faith without supposing they constantly seek the Lord and praise Him for all He does. It might seem unnatural at first because of the language barrier between the natural and the supernatural: the language of a yielded grateful loving heart willing to believe in an experience that can’t be seen in a video vs the language of the flesh which demands self glorification by insisting “I could, with the proper background, education, and training, do the whole thing myself.” In John 11, when Jesus was told Lazarus was dying, he said “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” After witnesses reported Lazarus’ resurrection, the religious leaders said “What are we going to do? This man certainly performs many miraculous signs. If we allow him to go on like this, soon everyone will believe in him. Then the Roman army will come and destroy both our Temple and our nation” (11:4,47-48). Religion was to them what secular humanism is to many today: separation of church (God) and state (the people), but while the Holy Bible details the lives of God’s chosen people, it makes no mention of a divine purpose for the intellectually elite.

So from that time on, the leaders began to plot Jesus’ death. As a result, Jesus stopped his public ministry among the people and left Jerusalem. He went to a place near the wilderness, to the village of Ephraim, and stayed there with his disciples (John 11:53-54).

Do we really ask ourselves why we don’t see more miracles? Jesus couldn’t or wouldn’t perform miracles in his hometown because of their unbelief, & that was in a small society dominated by a people who considered themselves children of God. The spirits of idolotry & deception of all manner are so strong in our society, we are barring prayer from schools. A tight circle of believers is a must have for Christians to overcome routine setbacks let alone be victorious in a battle for health, marriage, or financial problems. Our worldy nature tells us quality time with family at home or in the great outdoors is as good as fellowship and praise in the house of God, but He wants us to seek Him. David, a man after His heart, says in Psalm 116, “I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord. Crayons and legos allow us to relate to our kids; worship and prayer allow us to relate to an invisible Holy God putting the lifeline in place when we desperately need Him, whether for our own deliverance or for that of a loony family member who might be used by the Lord to show us our own future. As with Lazarus, the victory comes when the glory of God is seen; even if our loved ones pass on, His glory is seen in those He carries through the loss, and souls in the grip of the enemy are given new life. In Hebrews 10, Paul reminds us that while we were once seperated from God, unable to keep His commandments, “By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water” (Hebrews 10:19-22). Is the enemy’s stronghold in your family and community stronger than the strength of confident prayer? We need to pray on our own, but we also need the faith of others so those who believe will not be intimidated and silenced by those who don’t.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near” (Hebrews 10:23-25).

Why did I call you by name when you did not know me?

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. (Luke 9:23-24)

“Carry your cross” is one of those well known Biblical phrases that for a long time to me had a meaning clear like a romantic painting. From a somewhat fuzzy image, a starry night or table of potato eaters is readily seen. Carrying my cross doesn’t sound fun, & Jesus was crucified on his, so the idea of willingly suffering is apparent enough, but what do these things look like when you pixilate them? This is another barrier to a personal relationship with Jesus for those who feel they have no cross and/or don’t particularly want one. Carrying your cross seemed like something only available to martyrs or people struck with grief beyond their control. Martin Luther King, Jr qualified. Loving Christian parents left alone after attending the funerals of their children qualify. Countless others, but not necessarily we who lead pleasant lives in comfortable homes & lack uninvited consequences. I want to carry my cross in 3D; Lord knows you can’t turn a Van Gogh into an MPEG-4 without some work.

I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me, so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. (Isaiah 45:5-6)

A google search on the subject revealed some hardline interpretations about what does not qualify that lessened my urge to write on this subject. I wouldn’t say I disagreed with the stricter interpretation, but I thought again, as is true for some many things, that each entry was just a different step on the stairwell. When I started my entry level job for a government run ISP, I was overwhelmed with all I had to learn. All my new co-workers were IT/telecommunications professionals, very capable and intelligent with at least a few years of experience if not much more. The cold damp darkness of the cellar of training sometimes seemed inescapable, but the Lord, who is with us, molding us, shaping us, and baking us without our knowldege led me to read things I didn’t understand and repeatedly look at router configurations and mibs that made little sense to me. Gradually, with my interest held, the jargon became more familiar so new concepts had a place to settle in my non bit-oriented mind. The glorious end is not me in the IT penthouse with a spectucular view, but my tendancy towards addiction was about to take a new form, and without a firm training ground in a job I liked with people I respected, the choices I made could have been a lot worse leading to a more miserable outcome.

Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’ (Isaiah 45:9)

So, what is my cross? Now a reborn Christian, I sometimes, though not often enough, have fresh revelations concerning the power and glory of the Lord. As in my work training, anxieties about fitting into an IT environment competed with my faith, in my Christian training, I’ve wondered about my lack of compassion for others. Recently at a glory to God conference, I knew my life had been changed forever as I sat with an auditorium packed with people of all ages and walks of life blessed by the presence of the Holy Ghost. Generally, no matter how in flesh I walk into a service, I will cry if I focus enough on where I and my darling daughter might be at any given time had I not been delivered from substance abuse & addiction. It’s good to appreciate the Lord, but I knew this would be a high impact spritual event, & I’d hoped for an emotional breakdown from the culmination of the conference and the atmosphere alone. The Lord showed me later that week His glory and power when I sobbed uncontrollably during our weekly prayer service with a heart simply busting with compassion for family, friends, and co-workers who might get an occasionally byline in my nightly prayers if I don’t fall asleep asking the Father to meet my needs. My first thought was Hallelujia, He’s changed my heart! I’d reached the penthouse of intercessory prayer, & the view was spectacular, briefly. I didn’t feel all that different the next day other than the new understanding of myself as a tool for the Almighty. I had hope though, and maybe a greater respect for the Holy Spirit leash.

The humble will be filled with fresh joy from the Lord. The poor will rejoice in the Holy One of Israel. (Isaiah 29:19)

The following week-end, I was drawn to Anonymous meetings where I sensed my compassion bubbling once more for people whose day to day experience is intoxicant fasting, self-denial in its crudest form. Extreme weirdness settled over me as I relished my freedom while knowing my compassion was not drawn from the archives of life experience but a living breathing being. What I conceived long ago, whether by choice or not, was not aborted and is now being put to use. It’s like the handle on me, the pot. I don’t mean that in a fatalistic way. The Lord might have changed its nature at any time over the years had I turned to Him sooner. There is never a shortage of dirty vessels for our Father to pick up, clean up, and propel into action so leading a holy life is always desirable. I also don’t mean that the Lord needs an addict to help other addicts; the Lord can give the right words to the holiest of His servants to change the most sin-filled life. In the world of networking, I would call that a static route, something that has to be manually entered into a router configuration to tell packets of data how to get from one machine to another. With this solution, routes must be manually entered into each device from Baton Rouge to China. A dynamic routing protocol recognized by a whole network of components allowing information to flow to its destination along the most prefered path is much more in keeping with the Lord’s creation of man in His own image.

When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? (Roman 9:21)

Without knowing what the Lord’s plan for me is for the long-term, I have a new sense of purpose lately. It’s refreshing even if it’s not the training cellar I would have chosen. I know I made choices as an adult that led me here. Since my deliverance, I have matured, praise Jesus, and grown away from the highly self destructive habits that often lead to jail, institutions, and death. The roots of the plant remain, however, and sitting in meetings, I’ve had revelation of how any number of activities could lead me to ruination should I choose what appeals to me over what brings glory to God and what I think would please Jesus. Maybe rather than attending meetings, I’d prefer to lose myself in an activity more common to my peers, secular or Christian, but some 12 or more years ago I made a choice and became engaged to a lifestyle. The result was an experience resembling marriage. I’m not the person I was then, but I will not cite irreconcilable differences now so I can go my own way and abandon the family Jesus loves. I still struggle to learn what it means to carry my cross, but I know I can only find out by following Holy Spirit direction as much as possible. I often don’t know if I am doing the right thing, but I have faith that by reading the Word and engaging in prayer every morning and throughout the day as necessary, I will stay close to the potter. If I fall, He’ll set me upright again.

I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose, and I will guide his actions. He will restore my city and free my captive people—without seeking a reward! I, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, have spoken!” (Isaiah 45:13)

Where is the love?

I have spoken of these matters in figures of speech, but soon I will stop speaking figuratively and will tell you plainly all about the Father…for the Father himself loves you dearly because you love me and believe that I came from God. (John 16:25-27)

In October 2008, I was full-immersion water baptized for the first time. I was taking a class through my church for new believers, and the session which discussed the reasons for water baptism compelled me to go through with it then instead of waiting until I’d completed the class as I had planned. Afterwards, I talked about it with a Christian friend because I worried over the lack of passion and fire burning in my spirit. Belief was growing in me, & I was drawn towards the Christian life through my church and an outside Christian counselor, but my heart didn’t swell up when I praised the Lord in song or prayer. I truthfully didn’t know exactly what it meant to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior, only that it seemed like the appropriate next step. Relationships of whatever sort develop over time, and only months before, I had an iconic view of Jesus thinking of him to Christianity kind of as Uncle Sam to America.

And then he told them, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone. Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved. But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned. (Mark 16:15-16)

Belief and faith in God weren’t a problem for me. It’s easy to believe in a higher power, & I always believed my God to be the Christian God. I prayed to God consistantly some years and frequently when in fear or uncertainty. Enough of a relationship existed in my heart for me to feel guilty when I knew I wasn’t praying regularly which is probably when I stopped praying. All the same, somehow through all the Christmas and Easter services growing up, I managed to avoid developing any heartstrings for Jesus. Someone told me once, concerning sharing testimony and discussing faith, “God is fine, but Jesus makes people uncomfortable.” Oh, how true that is. A higher power that is invisible and non-descript is so much more acceptable to the workings of our minds than a man who looked like us and lived among us but was actually different, a one of a kind for all eternity whose biological father was the Holy Spirit, whose crucifixion 2000 years ago directly impacts our lives today, and whose eventual return will bring all who have ever lived to a new never-ending existance.

The time for judging this world has come, when Satan, the ruler of this world, will be cast out. And when I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw everyone to myself.” (john 12:31-32)

Praise the Lord, the spirit of Jesus that draws all men to him drew me, and having been water baptized, my faith that Christianity was real and my desire to experience that love grew. What next? Take more classes, go to more services, and listen to hours of podcasts geared towards young disciples (a favorite pastime). My class instructor told us once or twice, “our mind is a filter for what we allow into our hearts.” That filter protects the faithful and imprisons the faithless. Jesus said we must have childlike faith; the filters on an adult mind are highly customized from years of experience, heartache, and prejudice against one thing or another. So often I was just in awe when I heard someone ministering, speaking Jesus’ name with affection so sincere it’s more marital than brotherly. “What would Jesus like?” “But Jesus said…” A worship leader prefaced the song “Dwelling Places” once with her testimony, speaking of Jesus saying, “I just love him” as naturally as I often hear people talk about their favorite singer or tv show. In my mind, I knew Jesus’ agony healed me of much, and my spirit which comes to life when I read the Word reminds me that I was destined to an eternity in hell, but the heart filter is thick. Loving other humans is one thing; we readily identify each other’s faults and categorize character traits in whatever way we know and trust. Loving someone with no sin who suffered much so we can come before a Holy God has no parallel in human relationships. There’s a demon in self proclaimed Christian hearts all over who can’t identify or acknowledge their need for a savior. Jesus said of one demon whose violent attacks threw a boy into fire, “this kind comes out only by prayer and fasting.” I believe prayer, fasting, and the grace of God have widdled down my heart filter in a miraculous way, but I yearn for greater love for he who saved me from the pit of fire. I want my love to be so strong that I won’t be able to stop myself from asking strangers if they know Jesus or if they need prayer.

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. (Col 2:6-7)

Again, I ask, what next? Many are familiar with Gary Chapman’s book, The Love Languages of God. He discusses 5 languages of love that we use with each other and how we see them in God’s relationship with us. I haven’t read the entire book, but I believe the instruction is intended to improve our interpersonal relationships and our faith. Many facets of love can be explored, but these 5 love languages seem like a good place to start to better express my heart’s desire to Jesus, my Lord and Savior. The love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. All of these can be expressed in our behavior towards others; Jesus said what you do for the least of these you do for me. Physical touch, in particular, is one that we can’t offer to Jesus in any direct way. However, Jesus often healed by touch and not just by verbal communication. He didn’t gather a list of requests and go off by himself to mediate on behalf of the needy. He prayed for people as well, but there’s a lot of touching in the New Testament. Of course, within my comfort zone, this language has a same sex restriction, and it must be undertaken with sensitivity towards people’s personal preferences for space. How can we expect miracles of healing from our Lord if we won’t accept a pat on the arm as Christian love? Am I suggesting we hold hands and sing Kumbaya? No, I’m suggesting we hold hands and speak the words, “Holy Father, we thank you for blessings of freedom, life, and victory over the enemy. We know that when two or more of us come together in prayer, you are among us. We know that Jesus willingly took the stripes on his back and wore the crown of thorns so we could have physical and mental healing. We know that in return for our faith, you provide for our needs. We ask you for provision and health for each us today and thank you in advance. Kumbaya, all glory to you, in Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.”

The lame man looked at them eagerly, expecting some money. But Peter said, “I don’t have any silver or gold for you. But I’ll give you what I have. In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, get up and walk!” Then Peter took the lame man by the right hand and helped him up. And as he did, the man’s feet and ankles were instantly healed and strengthened. He jumped up, stood on his feet, and began to walk! Then, walking, leaping, and praising God, he went into the Temple with them. (Acts 3:5-8)

Gifts and acts of service for our Lord Jesus can be offered to other people in different ways but helping someone see their need for Jesus and supporting them in their Christian walk in whatever way we can is more direct than donations to secular charities. Gifts that support mission work or churches whose reverence for the Lord calls upon the Holy Spirit to intervene in attendees’ lives might tell Jesus his work on the cross is valued, even cherished, still today. The New Testament curtain didn’t close with the apostle Paul’s generation. We are all walking towards Revelation. The power of the gospel is real; sharing the Word has effects that we may never see in our lifetime.

The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. (Isaiah 55:10-11)

Quality time is often the hardest. Words of affirmation can be offered throughout the day relatively easily whether or not in the presence of others. My morning habit of studying and tweeting the scripture from my daily readings might take precedence over kneeling with lifted hands, speaking to him in my prayer language and/or listening to praise music. This is partly fear of God and an overwhelming sense of need to get some Word in my spirit before I have to start my day. Basically, it’s for ME. Not only is it for ME, but I ask the Holy Spirit for revelation of the Word, so it’s for me from him. Quality time is setting aside time where I just praise and thank him for everything I can think of. Writing is my tool to stay on track. What I type becomes increasingly embedded in my heart, more words of affirmation for who the Lord Jesus is and what he has done in my life. Writing about the Lord’s presence in my life has been one of the most fulfilling activities I’ve experienced, but whether or not it is something I’ll continue throughout my life, I don’t know. Today I am grateful for opportunity to fasten my faith to words where I can review it in times of doubt and hope that it is received as an offering of thanksgiving whether as a beautiful poem, a heartfelt thank-you note, or a loving Valentine’s message.

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. (Psalm 45:1)

Feed my Lambs

So Abram settled in the land of Canaan, and Lot moved his tents to a place near Sodom and settled among the cities of the plain. But the people of this area were extremely wicked and constantly sinned against the Lord. (Genesis 13:12)

Oh Lord, if my wrong turn testimonies can help lead at least one soul to Jesus, let the right eyes read this. My first year of college began at a small out of state public school. I did well there but chose to return to LSU for the spring semester. My reasoning was good except that the Lord had blessed me where I was despite mistakes in judgement. Far from being a prayerfully considered move, the decision was made hastily with little time for planning, & it brought me back to a wrong situation. Five & a half years later, I graduated with a low GPA, an array of non-professional job experience, and many unhappy memories. Praise the Lord that I’m blessed with generous and caring parents willing to invest in my chances for a stable future regardless of a high risk portfolio. Clueless about how to find a promising job, I responded to a newspaper ad to teach at a bilingual grade school in Honduras, again with the help of my parents for travel expenses. During the school year, I sometimes enjoyed the company of other foreigners who appreciated the intoxicating forms of recreation available, but I refrained from participating out of fear that I would partake too much and find it necessary to leave earlier than planned – which is what happened the following school year. On my last morning there, I went to the school to say good-bye to my assistant teacher, one of the kindest people I’d ever met and highly skilled with the children, undoubtedly a better teacher than I, but not American and therefore paid and promoted much less. When I told him I was leaving, he asked if he could pray for me. I don’t recall the prayer, but I know I cried with shame. How blessed both I and the children were to have him in our classroom. Praise God if he was given the position when I left.

He took his wife, Sarai, his nephew Lot, and all his wealth—his livestock and all the people he had taken into his household at Haran—and headed for the land of Canaan. (Genesis 12:5)

Lot, like myself and countless others, was blessed by his family, Terah, Abraham’s father who took his son and grandson and moved towards Canaan. When the Lord told Abraham to leave, Lot accompanied him and shared in his good fortune; “Lot, who was traveling with Abram, had also become very wealthy with flocks of sheep and goats, herds of cattle, and many tents.” (Genesis 13:5 ) In my lost years, I witnessed numerous peers transition from being parents with shady lifestyles who behaved irresponsibly to divorced or separated people whose custody of their children was taken by social services or other concerned family members. Several had homes when I met them but became transients over time, living here or there from season to season. I was aware sometimes that my stable childhood was a saving grace, a foundation that kept my conscience alive even as I chipped away at it. I occasionally felt I had a guardian angel although I’d abandoned other Christian habits. I can only imagine being Abraham’s nephew. The Lord told Abraham, “I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others.” (Genesis 12:2 ) Lot didn’t share the character of Uncle Abram that drew the favor of the Lord, but certainly his upbringing was influenced by the one who was promised descendants numbering the stars in the sky.

The victorious invaders then plundered Sodom and Gomorrah and headed for home, taking with them all the spoils of war and the food supplies. They also captured Lot—Abram’s nephew who lived in Sodom—and carried off everything he owned. (Genesis 14:11)

Oh, the heated discussions of those in the throes of addiction about who stole what from who this time. How many parents have spent hundreds and thousands of dollars replacing items stolen from their child’s car or residence of choice? Such bad luck; what’s wrong with people in that neighborhood? You can’t assume that a neat house is a clean house. Sitting on the couch doesn’t create a mess. A middle of the night driveby might reveal lights off in the surrounding houses but lights on and multiple cars where Lot is trying to sleep while people step in and out to have a cigarette and get some fresh air. Abram recovered all the goods that had been taken, and he brought back his nephew Lot with his possessions and all the women and other captives. (Genesis 14:16) Praise the Lord! With the grace of the Lord and the foundation received from Abraham, Lot might maintain some stability, but he’s really just the devil’s spoiled inside dog who gets to sleep on the bed and go out when he barks as long as he obeys. Lot recognized the angels as honorable visitors when he saw them at the city gates: Then he welcomed them and bowed with his face to the ground. “My lords,” he said, “come to my home to wash your feet, and be my guests for the night.” When Lot guarded the angels in his home as his guests, the townspeople became violently beligerant even refusing the offered sacrifice of Lot’s two virgin daughters. “This fellow came to town as an outsider, and now he’s acting like our judge! We’ll treat you far worse than those other men!” And they lunged toward Lot to break down the door. (Genesis 19:9) I wonder if Lot entertained the idea that he was a good influence on his neighbors. Maybe as the nephew to the most God fearing faithful man on earth, he was relieved to be around people whose standards were below his and fancied that in a moment of decision, they would respect him as he respected Abraham.

When the Lord visited Abraham to announce the promise of a son, He told Abraham He’d heard an outcry from Sodom and Gomorrah and would judge their wickedness. Abraham protested on their behalf, suggesting that the judge of the earth would not destroy the righteous with the wicked:

And the Lord replied, “If I find fifty righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.” And 45? And 40? And 30? And 20? Finally, Abraham said, “Lord, please don’t be angry with me if I speak one more time. Suppose only ten are found there?” And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the ten.” (Genesis 18:26-32)

The angels told Lot to gather all his relatives and leave before the Lord destroyed Sodom, but Lot, unable to convince his future sons in laws, left with his wife and two daughters only. If given advanced warning, would Lot have said he could find 50 or 30 righteous people in the city he chose to settle in when he and Abraham parted ways? “When Lot still hesitated, the angels seized his hand and the hands of his wife and two daughters and rushed them to safety outside the city, for the Lord was merciful.” (Genesis 19:16) Poor Lot. The illusion he had of building meaningful relationships with the townsmen was about to shatter: ‘they’re not bad; they just act like that sometimes. That’s just his personality.’ Did he wonder later if their fate might have been different had he talked to them about the Lord and Abraham? Did he ever think, all that time there, I did not lead one person towards righteous living? Did I ever even try?

“See, there is a small village nearby. Please let me go there instead; don’t you see how small it is? Then my life will be saved.” (Genesis 19:20)

The angels who the night before reached out and pulled Lot into the house, saving him from the angry mob, told Lot, “Escape to the mountains, or you will be swept away!” But Lot feared the safety net offered by his rescuers. Once content to live in the wilderness with Abraham, Lot, in his bondage, begged to escape to a village instead of trusting the angels of the Lord. I may have lacked fullness of joy at the first college I attended, but instead of accepting the blessings I had as indication that I should stay for awhile, I decided in a moment of desperation to return to a place that was familiar to me, where I would have more independance with the use of a car. When I returned from Honduras, I was drawn to people who resembled the expatriates I knew and loved who found comfort living free from accountability. The woman whose family I lived with initially was Catholic and often invited me to church. Had I thanked the Lord for my good fortune to finish college one way or another and experience life in a foreign country as a comfortable, reasonably paid, American, maybe I would have been radically saved. Whose lives did I encounter who needed ministry? I can think of so many, but instead I was ministered to by someone who might never know the material comforts I knew in my poorest days.

Abraham got up and hurried to the place where he had stood in the Lord’s presence. He looked out across the plain toward Sodom and Gomorrah and watched as columns of smoke rose from the cities like smoke from a furnace. But God had listened to Abraham’s request and kept Lot safe(~Genesis 19:27-29)

Jesus says of the end times, “Then those in Judea must flee to the hills. A person out on the deck of a roof must not go down into the house to pack. A person out in the field must not return even to get a coat.” Like Lot, many of us who believe in God, live as though we have not been warned that this life is temporary. Lot did not have the advantage of the Holy Spirit’s guidance through acceptance of Jesus as his Lord and Savior. At any point in my old life, would our Almighty Father have been able to find 50 righteous people in my sphere of influence? Thirty people who have a relationship with Jesus and attempt to keep his commandments? Ten people who strive to bring glory to the Lord in their daily walk? My unsaved life stands as Sodom and Gomorrah; I know of those who’ve passed from this world and have received discouraging news about others occasionally. I can pray for them, however, and repent for being a hindrance instead of allowing the Lord to use me.

“Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.

Thank-you Jesus, our mediator, who listened to my family’s request and kept me safe. Let me now share my testimony, the foundation that no devil can destroy, strive to live in a holy manner in order to be a good witness, and witness – speak the name of Jesus, my redeemer, the bread of life. Holy Spirit, give me the word my neighbor needs to hear at the right moment.

To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm? (Isaiah 53:1)

I admit it. I love the gloom and doom of Isaiah. In his writings, I have memories that foreshadow what the Lord has done for me instead of giving glory to the enemy. So many parts of Isaiah read like a warning to jump before the car you are in hits the wall or dives over a clift.

Because you despise what I tell you and trust instead in oppression and lies, calamity will come upon you suddenly—like a bulging wall that bursts and falls. In an instant it will collapse and come crashing down. You will be smashed like a piece of pottery—shattered so completely that there won’t be a piece big enough to carry coals from a fireplace or a little water from the well. (Isaiah 30:12-14)

Around this time in 2006, I was moving furniture around my house to make room for my soon to be new housemate. I was not quite clearheaded and overwhelmed by the black hole that loomed before me, brought on by a pattern of substance abuse that spanned most of my adult life. What I’d been holding onto for stability seemed likely to go up in smoke, and I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I remember the night quite clearly because while my mind was raging with worries of every kind in a high speed version of the everyday sort, I became overwhelmed, dropped to my knees in front of my couch, and said the Lord’s Prayer. And there was silence. It was a moment of peace that was so foreign to me I immediately started generating explanations for it that had nothing to do with the Lord or the spirit world. So, the peace faded quickly, and I returned to my busyness. Praise God for a moment of grace and the intercessory prayers of others! Deliverance came in a bumpy manner resembling the stop and start choices I’d made over the years, and it came without salvation. I say that because I don’t think I really knew who Jesus was, how his death and resurrection could redeem me, or that my lifestyle was sinful instead of just non-conservative and somewhat chaotic.

The Lord has spoken out…his judgment has fallen…And the people…who spoke with such pride and arrogance, will soon know it. They said, “We will replace the broken bricks of our ruins with finished stone, and replant the felled sycamore-fig trees with cedars. (Isaiah 9:8-9)

The man whose sight Jesus restored by putting mud over his eyes knew Jesus had healed him. How? Had he put mud over his eyes and washed in the pool of Siloam before to know it wasn’t just the chemical reaction between the mud from that spot and the water at that temperature? Did he do a bacterial analysis or a ph & nitrate test? Undoubtedly not. Neither did this man say the Lord healed him because he learned it from a counselor or because it was the response his peers expected; in fact, knowing he’d be asked to leave the synagogue, he told the Pharisees, “He healed my eyes, and yet you don’t know where he comes from? We know that God doesn’t listen to sinners, but he is ready to hear those who worship him and do his will…If this man were not from God, he couldn’t have done it.” (John 9:30-33) How is it that so many of us won’t both believe in and acknowledge the Lord’s work in our lives? The Lord delivered me, but following His rescue, two years of spiritual blindness and unrepentance passed before I found myself in church singing songs of praise as though I were doing someone a favor. Many lies of Satan tell us we’re foolish to think events in our lives could be a miracles of the Lord God Amighty, but we look for miracles when we remember who God is. When Jesus’ disciples asked why the man was born blind, Jesus told them, “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.” The Lord demonstrates His power to fuel belief. He does not want us to be like the 5 bridesmaids whose lamps ran out of oil while waiting for the groom: “Later, when the other five bridesmaids returned, they stood outside, calling, ‘Lord! Lord! Open the door for us!’But he called back, ‘Believe me, I don’t know you!’” (Matthew 25:11-12) Belief and faith lead to knowledge of sin, repentence, and Christian acts that further the work of Jesus.

You make plans that are contrary to mine.You make alliances not directed by my Spirit, thus piling up your sins…But by trusting Pharaoh, you will be humiliated, and by depending on him, you will be disgraced…The caravan moves slowly across the terrible desert to Egypt—all to pay for Egypt’s protection. They travel through the wilderness, a place of lionesses and lions, a place where vipers and poisonous snakes live. All this, and Egypt will give you nothing in return. Egypt’s promises are worthless! (Isaiah 30:1-7)

We don’t have to wait until the disappointments we have in our lives or the lives of our loved ones become soap opera worthy to yeild to the Lord. After I was saved, I started a read the Bible in a year effort but lagged behind early on when my priority shifted to exercise. I was focused on doing well in my first 5K run of the year. Having recently had a good experience in a longer run that I didn’t feel prepared for, I figured this one would be a fait accompli, especially since I’d been training with my new Garmin heart rate monitor. (I thanked the Lord for carrying me through before with more sincerity than I had when I first realized I was sober for the long-term, but wisdom is shown by its results, and shallow gratitude has a short shelf-life.) I wondered when I bought the Garmin if I were turning from faith to technology & if that was a bad idea; I knew it has only to do with me and not with the watch. The watch was a tool just like the Mizuno shoes I bought a few months prior and the clothes that make running more comfortable and the music that kept me interested. Point being, anything, such as an obsession with music that promotes anger and negativity or things that contradicts God’s glory such as depending on a watch does refute the faith aspect. That’s not to say people shouldn’t run with a Garmin; the Lord’s role in our lives is like a graded English composition. Maybe myself and 4 others received a “B++,” but looking at the notes in the margin on my friends’ papers won’t help me improve my style. The morning of the 5K, I felt guilty about lack of readings, generally unsure, but at the same time, had some confidence that I would finish in good time. When I felt tired after a short time at a faster starting pace, I looked at the watch and saw my pace was not what I needed with a longer total runtime than expected and a heartrate of 171. I completely lost faith. After several checks on the watch, I took a cup of water that I didn’t need and actually stopped to drink it. I wanted to check the watch settings, but I didn’t. I was done for the most part right around the halfway point. I figured out later that the readings were skewed because I hadn’t deleted the history, but the point is, the Lord can fill us with confidence and skill beyond our ability or let us befuddle ourselves with our schemes.

“Even an ox knows its owner, and a donkey recognizes its master’s care—but Israel doesn’t know its master. My people don’t recognize my care for them…Why do you continue to invite punishment? Must you rebel forever? Your head is injured, and your heart is sick. You are battered from head to foot—covered with bruises, welts, and infected wounds—without any soothing ointments or bandages. (Isaiah 1:3)

I eventually gave it up, whether for a season or for life, I don’t know or particularly care. After the long-awaited & anti-climatic Crescent City Classic, a sister told me she had asthma and asked if I had any breathing tips. I’d already written the above story in a Facebook memo, but it seemed like too much to say, and I couldn’t remember anything I’d read about breathing techniques so I just said something along the lines of “you have to run through it, and it gets easier.” She looked at me like someone would who’s just received advice that offers no help, and said, “Oh OK.” After two last good 10Ks the week-end prior or the week-end after, I didn’t run through it again for a long time if at all.

This is what the Lord says—your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow. Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea.” (Isaiah 48:17-18)

I don’t mean to suggest I was any great athlete before that, but it was a favored outlet for the OCD nature that characterized my past. I was delivered from nicotine in July of 2007 and started running for the first time in many years the following Feb/March. I ran for the runner’s high, that feeling that you could keep going indefinitely and not be aware that you’re even moving or feel every muscle as the feet hit the ground but either way all is well as long as the iPod stays charged. Later, during an afternoon attempt at the lakes, it occured to me for the first time in a weeping moment that the Lord was with me from the getgo as an unsaved selfish angry person. All that time I thought I was pursuing a new love, but in reality, the love of Jesus positioned me to recieve the truth. The running was the vehicle, the wrapping on the gift of life I received, and I don’t want to value the paper and ribbons more than the present offered with love and mercy. I might not always know what to do with this gift, but I know where to go for help. Praise God for the Living Word that directs our steps. He is the one who was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins, beaten so we could be whole, & whipped so we could be healed. (Isaiah 53:5) The runner’s high I seek now is the joy experienced when you know the Lord has used you for His purpose, when you may not be aware that you’re even moving or you feel every muscle hit the ground but believe the effort brings Him glory.

All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.
(Isaiah 53:6-10)